Was crossing the 18th-century Atlantic in a ship’s hull like this? Does a kitten in a crate on a plane feel this way? I can tell you where we landed. I can’t tell you how we got there. Our vessel was a burgundy Toyota Corolla. Our five-day pre-determined route covered the southwest corner of Latvia, … Continue reading I travelled 900 kilometres with my eyes closed

It was already a blizzard up there, in my brain, as we drove out to Mennonite country for the second day in a row. By blizzard, I mean a jumble of thoughts I couldn’t control. A sense of panic. The “your brain’s like a snow globe” concept that Dr. Bicycle had referred to so many … Continue reading My puppy brain

“You went back to work for two days,” says the neuropsychiatrist, flipping through my chart. “Then you got C-difficile. Are you well now?” It’s my six-month check-in at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic. Everything is now marked against that trial return-to-work and those subsequent days of being sick. There’s before, with the various proposed back-to-work … Continue reading On breath and meaning

On the morning of my second day back to work, I wake up with some precious knowledge. I know who the tiger is. It’s my brain injury. As in Life of Pi, the tiger sits in the corner, not looking at me. But if I put down my guard or don’t do things in a … Continue reading A tale of two tigers

iPhone voice memo, Monday, September 25: I’m walking north. A monarch flits by. It’s 29 degrees. I did it! I showed up at work. I did some email. I got lots of hugs. I had conversations and questions and observations. I’m exhausted. I’m taking my brain home. I’ve often thought about this recovery like a … Continue reading My first day back at work

Driving Miss Daisy. Driving. Driving me crazy. I said before that this recovery is all about milestones. It’s also about waking up. To things going on around me. To the incredible capacity of the brain. In the early days of this journey, “I want my brain back” was the refrain playing over and over in … Continue reading Driving the brain

It’s August 4th. Marika and I are planning a stop at Terre Bleu lavender farm and I keep thinking: Does lavender have magical properties that help cure? Is there a lavender salve for the brain? Will a whiff of lavender renew neurons that have atrophied? Yesterday Dizzio asked me how close I thought I was … Continue reading Lavender days

It’s 4 a.m., it’s dark, and I’m having trouble sleeping. Eighteen weeks ago I dropped out of sight. “Overboard!” I cried. My head was fuzzy. My shoulder hurt. I bobbed around in the dark waters. As the ship sailed away, they dispatched a mediator to check on my situation. “Ms. Gulens, how are you feeling?” … Continue reading When Life of Pi saved me

When I return home, it’s all about directives. The occupational therapist at the hospital told me to use my bed only for sleeping. Although the trip downstairs is hell, I follow orders and head to the dining room for meals. One day, I reveal to my sister that the fall must have affected the way … Continue reading Home, milestones, ping